he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
