just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize