I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
