I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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