I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
