It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
