Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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