I want to make a zoo with you.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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