My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
