i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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