she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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