You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
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