Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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