one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This is the prime rib incident all over again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
