Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
