life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
