i just wanna soil my oats bro
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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