i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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