I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I want her autograph on my taint
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize