we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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