who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
