omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I want to be your penis for a week.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
