You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize