cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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