Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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