I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
