before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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