Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
