I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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