I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
