so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
