I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize