fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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