I just pynch a tree in the face
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
