hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Randomize
