the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
