if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
