Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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