She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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