I'll bet she douches with gravy.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
