Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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