watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
