Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
