On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i now understand why vodka
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
