Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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