I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
