you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
