I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
