Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
