sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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