She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
