I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
