her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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