maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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