My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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