allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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