My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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