The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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