she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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