My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am in a vortex of obligation.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
this will be a night to untag.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize