I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Text me some of your sweat
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