Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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