Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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