Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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